Welcome back to my 30 days writing challenge and today is the eight day.
For those that I’ve been following this challenge, thank you so much for your comments, likes and follow. On today’s quest, I’m going to be talking about something I struggle with.
I’ve been struggling with depression, suicidal thoughts and self hate. You must be wondering what I meant by self hate. At a point in my life, I always thought I didn’t deserved love and beautiful things in my life. I never saw myself worthy of love. My life was so filled with so much negativity. I always wanted to please everyone, act accordingly and I always try too hard to be accepted.
I started creating different version of me just to please everyone’s demand that I totally lost touch of my identity. I didn’t know who I was anymore and I was just living. People who were meant to be family and care were the ones putting me in this spot and the part where I allowed this for so long was just sad.
I was constantly trying to defend myself from those that were suppose to defend me. I got so used to hate words, constant putting me down and bad remarks about me that I didn’t see anything wrong with it anymore. I always have this ‘can it get any worse’ type of mentality.
Depression quickly set in that sometimes I just zoned out and remain blank. That blank world I created for myself was so sad and scary but coming out wasn’t an option because I found that blank spot as a safe place for me than reality.
The worse part was when I started craving for love in every person that shows little care and it usually ends up in tears and hurt. I begin to search for peace then I had this believe that there is only peace in death. The little voices in my head telling me to end it all. I didn’t care for anything than just to end it all.
I never wished for anyone to go through these because sometimes most people don’t come out of it. Growing in a part of the world where there isn’t much awareness about depression until recently when young people started taking their own lives which was beginning to become the solution to every problems. I’m very sure majority thought there was peace in death and that ending it all will bring calmness just like me but I always imagined how lonely it would be in the dark.
Have I tried taking my own? Yes I have and it was anything but peaceful.
I was frustrated about so many things in my life. I was tired of how non of my plans were working out and I always saw myself as a disgrace to my parents.
Did I get over it? Depression is not something you get over but something you overcome and take it slow and one step at a time. I started seeing things differently. I’m still learning how to love myself and stop putting myself down just to please anyone. I get frustrated most times, I think, I ask God why me but then seeing each new day is a reminder of how much healing I was letting myself do.
I know I deserve every beautiful things this life has to offer and I’m grateful for the gift called LIFE.
Are you struggling with anything? Please, talk to me in the comment section.
DAY 7 | 10 Songs I’m loving right now
Thank you for reading
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