It’s world mental health day and i want to share my journey with dealing with depression and anxiety.
Mental health is very important and i’m really happy concerning the awareness and how more people are getting to realize it’s importance and also creating help to make people feel safe and speak out more.
It’s much more than just feeling sad or trying to get away from everyone. At first i actually didn’t understand what was wrong with me. I started feeling left out, feeling like i wasn’t enough, feeling alone and lonely even when there are lots of people around, feeling of just going away and running to a place where there is no past, no pain and no regrets.
The part that really made me scared for my life more was when i started fighting myself from the inside. I would quietly sit down in a spot and there would be a huge war going on inside my mind and the worse part is not able to explain what this inner fight is all about. The feeling of exhaustion after this inner fight is what really kills me.
Now comes the part when i tried explaining and no one understood me. No one understood the storm in my head and it hurts a whole lot.
The point where i feel like nothing is working, doors are losing in on me, the stress in depression came in when i see people of my age and below are doing things awesome and i couldn’t do much to even fit in (I didn’t know standing out was much better). Anxiety sets in when i thought i had to figure out all things at once.
I wanted to scream,
I wanted to talk to someone,
I needed someone to understand,
I was ready to let it all out,
I wanted peace so much, I needed peace so much
and when i did found someone, i was quick to say these words “i’m fine”
My nightmare was when i started having suicidal thoughts, the dark clouds came in when i tried the first time and i ended up doing it three times. Now i was becoming tired of everything, i need to end it and i wanted to end it all. Nothing else mattered to me at that point, i was too scared to allow anyone see me in my weakest and darkest moments.
I was blessed with a Beauty smile but behind is pain and darkness
Then i realized i needed to understand the darkness to understand the beauty of the light and peace i craved for.
The first time i told someone, i was disappointed in myself for letting it all out. This made me weaker and scared and it drew me back to the worse part till i started learning how to trust myself more and let it all out to myself first.
I remembered the first time i started writing, the first time i told someone close to me that i never liked school but i had to keep because of my family. The first time i composed my first story and the first time i saw future in writing, it all felt good.
5 THINGS THAT HAS HELPED ME THROUGH THIS JOURNEY & IT’S STILL HELPING
- Music; This might seem a little strange or weird but music helped a lot. I developed love for some rich tunes and different genre of music.
- Writing; This helps me let out things i couldn’t say
- quite time with God; Youversion Bible app really helped me a whole lot.
- i choose my circle all over again
- myself; I saw things differently, i was opened to the right people, i tried getting out more and spent time researching things that i love and have passion for.
My name is OMOLABAKE HALIMAT GANIU and this is my story not a fictional writeup. Yes i still have dark days but i’m taking it one step at a time. Figuring things out is one step to realizing you are human.
Check on people, don’t judge anyone, be more of the listener and try to be a flower amongg weeds.